I'm His
I'm Loved
I'm Won
I'm a Winner
I'm a Saint
I'm Alive
I'm Growing
I have Hope
I'm Redeemed
I'm Strong
I Belong
I'm Rooted
I'm Grounded
I'm on Fire
I'm no Quitter
I'm Cherished
I'm Beautiful
I'm Princess Charlie
I'm a lion (!!)
I'm a world Changer
I'm a Daughter
I'm a Fighter
I'm a Lover
I have a big loud voice that says JESUS HAVE THE GLORY. X
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
'As he walked along, he saw Levi son of Alphaeus sitting at his tax collectors booth. "Follow me and be my disciple" Jesus said to him. So Levi got up and followed him.'
'If we would follow Jesus we must take certain definite steps. The first step, which follows the call, cuts the disciple off from his previous existence. The call to follow at once produces a new situation. To stay in the old situation makes discipleship impossible....
Until that day everything had been different. They could remain in obscurity, pursuing their work as the quiet in the land, observing the law. and waiting for the coming of the Messiah. But now he has come, and his call goes forth. Faith can no longer mean sitting still and waiting - they must rise and follow him. The call frees them from all earthly ties, and binds them to Jesus Christ alone. They must burn their boats and plunge into absolute insecurity in order to learn the demand and the gift of Christ.' (Bonhoeffer 1959)
The above is a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffers book 'The call to Discipleship'. I am studying it as part of my research project for uni but am finding it so challenging as well.
This chapter titled 'The call to discipleship' really excites me. Its basically about moving forwards, following Jesus, stepping out of the boat and taking risks. All in order to follow Him who gives each of us specific callings.
I think that this is a season where I am thinking a lot about my future calling. I am coming to the end of my three year youth work degree and am busy thinking and praying through the next steps. I feel like they could potentially be pretty big ones and potentially a little bit scary. Steps that would require faith and a bit of a miracle really. But I feel the Lord building my faith and preparing me to believe for the unbelievable and seemingly unatainable. The book goes on to say 'Peter had to leave the ship and risk his life on the sea, in order to learn both his own weakness and the almightly power of his Lord. If Peter had not taken the risk, he would never have learnt the meaning of faith.' (Bonhoeffer 1959)
RISK. The big R word. Risk is scary and leaves us a bit open and a bit vulnerable but boy is it worth it in the end!!! A friend once sent me the following and whenever im feeling a bit open and a bit vulnerable at a step forwards iv just made I read this:
So I guess what I am saying is lets go for it. Lets step forwards and be risk takers and 'leave the boat', lets be people who grasp the meaning of faith, leaning on His word and His direction.
Exciting times ahead!!!!!!
Until that day everything had been different. They could remain in obscurity, pursuing their work as the quiet in the land, observing the law. and waiting for the coming of the Messiah. But now he has come, and his call goes forth. Faith can no longer mean sitting still and waiting - they must rise and follow him. The call frees them from all earthly ties, and binds them to Jesus Christ alone. They must burn their boats and plunge into absolute insecurity in order to learn the demand and the gift of Christ.' (Bonhoeffer 1959)
The above is a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffers book 'The call to Discipleship'. I am studying it as part of my research project for uni but am finding it so challenging as well.
This chapter titled 'The call to discipleship' really excites me. Its basically about moving forwards, following Jesus, stepping out of the boat and taking risks. All in order to follow Him who gives each of us specific callings.
I think that this is a season where I am thinking a lot about my future calling. I am coming to the end of my three year youth work degree and am busy thinking and praying through the next steps. I feel like they could potentially be pretty big ones and potentially a little bit scary. Steps that would require faith and a bit of a miracle really. But I feel the Lord building my faith and preparing me to believe for the unbelievable and seemingly unatainable. The book goes on to say 'Peter had to leave the ship and risk his life on the sea, in order to learn both his own weakness and the almightly power of his Lord. If Peter had not taken the risk, he would never have learnt the meaning of faith.' (Bonhoeffer 1959)
RISK. The big R word. Risk is scary and leaves us a bit open and a bit vulnerable but boy is it worth it in the end!!! A friend once sent me the following and whenever im feeling a bit open and a bit vulnerable at a step forwards iv just made I read this:
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to others is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live
Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave, they forfeited their freedom
Only the person who risks can be free.
So I guess what I am saying is lets go for it. Lets step forwards and be risk takers and 'leave the boat', lets be people who grasp the meaning of faith, leaning on His word and His direction.
Exciting times ahead!!!!!!
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Sweetness out of darkness?
This isn’t a long blog. But I just have had a few really hectic, emotion filled weeks which have some days been so busy that I haven’t had time to stop and think. Third year at uni is actually crazy. Things at home seem to have gotten a little bit messy again and my heart breaks for some of my family and the crazy sometimes insane things that are happening with them. And my heart breaks because it seems that within those situations they have no hope. No hope for change and no hope for a future filled with good and not a future of disaster but a future filled with hope.
Things are all over the place and truthfully I feel broken as well. I thought I was broken all those months ago but I feel broken all over again. But within that I feel a hope. Within the brokenness is where God reaches deep into our hearts. It’s when we are truly broken and can sit in that for a while and realise the depth of that that we realise and understand the grace and restoration that God can bring into our lives and hearts. That acknowledgment of the brokenness is where the healing can truly begin. Because the last option when we are at our lowest place, desperate to see change and desperate to walk in lightness and not in darkness is to acknowledge our need for our heavenly fathers touch. Nothing can bring greater peace and hope and light than knowing our true need for God. This is where a certain sense of sweetness can be found.
I have no quick and easy method of how to fix messy situations. Sometimes it’s easy to just say I’ll pray about it or to tell a friend who’s broken, I’ll pray for you. Life seems more realistically harder than that. But what we can do is walk every day just releasing slowly more and more to daddy God. Trusting Him in the everyday. Releasing our hopes and dreams to him every day. Asking Him to show us His plans for our lives. And letting Him rebuild us. That’s where I am at. Slowly, slowly. The biggest blessing God has given me is my incredible friends. He has provided such an amazing support network around me. People who will speak truth into my life and gently rebuke me when needed and people who just listen and love me. Sometimes that’s all we need to be for people or need for ourselves. Is an arm around the shoulder and to hear or to say “friend I’m here walking with you.” Sometimes as well I have to admit a bit of Diet Coke and Cadburys does not go amiss!!!
I know a load of people will find this blog hard to read cos it’s a bit messy and its emotional and its real but you know what it’s the truth that life isn’t always black and white. It can be pretty hard and we can’t always tie mess up with pretty ribbon and sit it in the corner and expect everything to be ok. its only when we are real about it and acknowledge it that we can allow ourselves to move forwards, one step at a time trusting that our father has got us and that He brings such restoration, grace, love, healing and fullness of life to us. Also hope for an incredible future living out His crazy wild plans for our lives. More Lord.
Monday, 14 November 2011
It's about the journey, not the destination...
“In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? Its fit neither for the soil nor for the manure heap; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” (Luke 14: 33-34)
Money, Sex, and Power. These are three big things that we can cultivate to be the most important things in life. To non believers they are mostly what life revolves around, and people seek joy, security and identity out of having these things. To us as believers we can so easily without even realising slip into thinking the way the world thinks and into making these things a bigger priority than God. In themselves these things are not a bad thing and can be used in many ways to glorify God. But put these things ahead of God or make these things your God and we are in a dangerous place.
I am at present sitting on a cruise liner called the Queen Mary 2. It is run by a company called Cunard cruise liners and they put on the most luxurious cruises in the world. I am on the Queen Mary from Southampton to New York and all I can say is its amazing and luxurious and comfortable but utterly ridiculous in its extravagance. Afternoon tea served by men in white jackets, massages in the spa and 5 course meals daily. Oh yeah am I enjoying myself!!!
This last week (in the lead up to coming away and whilst I have been away) God I think has decided to teach me about my love for money and about laying it down completely. He definitely has a sense of humour to do it by bringing me on this cruise but it means that the challenge is around me daily. I have many stories about the lead up to this cruise and some big big challenges that Daddy’s given me, even in the last week but it would take ages to go into them. In short, a no shopping pact, a beautiful dress my mum then bought me for £150 and then God challenging me to not accept it : ( and many other things such as these.
My god has been money. That’s been my safety, my reliance, my identity, my understanding of love, my provision. Yes its been my god. My value and self worth have a lot of the time been placed in what I own or what latest designer gear I have. Perhaps unintentionally and without realising, but its just kind of seeped in to my life.
I was sitting in the Royal theatre on board the ship last night. We were watching a fantastic show put on by the RADA company in London and the Julliard School from the states. I was looking around and the men looked fabulous in their bow ties and the ladies all dressed up in beautiful gowns and diamonds and designer handbags and shoes. This is the life, I thought to myself. Later on as I was in bed reflecting on the day I wrote the following into my journal:
“I really loved tonight Lord. And today. I have had a fabulous dinner and Louis (our new friend who dines with us every night!) even brought out a couple of bottles of champagne. It was delightful and the champagne was delicious. My worry daddy is that I love this lifestyle so much. A bit too much maybe. I love the well to do men in their tuxes and the ladies in their dresses. I love this world. If I give up on this or if I want to seek your kingdom God and kingdom things do I have to give up on this? Where do those two things meet? What’s the clash? In the worlds eyes to turn away from my love for these things is weak but in your eyes it’s the best way. I guess I am just processing where I stand and what I think.”
So this was on my mind as I lay in bed. I couldn’t switch off or sleep and so I reached for my bible and turned to the back. I wanted to find a passage on money and what Jesus had to say about it. My eye fell on a passage titles ‘The cost of discipleship’. It was from Luke 14: 33-34 and it says this:
“In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? Its fit neither for the soil nor for the manure heap; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”
When Jesus called Simon and Andrew to follow him he said “Come, follow me and I will make you fishers of men.” It goes on to say that “at once they left their nets and followed him.” (Mark 1:16-18)
So these guys just put their nets down and followed Him. Mental? Crazy? Reckless? Maybe, but so important if we want to live as radical God focused and kingdom focused people. My focus just has to be God now. I have to rely on Him and not on my parents money. This is going to be hard I can tell you now. Im not really sure as to the outworking of this (lol to the fact that im on a cruise ship in the middle of the atlantic sailing to New York) but all I know right now is what God has challenged me on and I know that action on my behalf is needed.
What am I prepared to lay down? My new black dress? Well it’s a start. How can I do this and have the strength to do this? I was drawn to this passage from Proverbs 2: 3-5 and it says this “If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.”
Daddy God, I love that in order to speak to me, in order to show me your provision and your ability to care for me lovingly, in order to tell your little one once more that you hold her in the palm of your hand and that you have plans for me, and that im to leave whats behind, you bring me into the middle of the atlantic ocean away from everything and everyone. It is soooo perfect and so of you. Your teaching me so many lessons and teaching me to hear your voice.
REMEMBER: It’s not about the destination but about the journey…!!!
One last story:
These have been the challenges on my heart in the last week or so. I am being challenged to step away from relying on my parents for money and to rely on God more. And the other day I opened my door to find our concierge Jerry holding an envelope. It was addressed to me. In it was two tickets to go around Manhattan and this included the transfers and the looking after of all our luggage. This is crazy for two reasons. 1st reason: it normally costs $100 each for these tickets and they came for free. 2nd reason: No one knew that me and my mum were looking into doing something like this. We had hoped to do something like this but we wernt sure if it was going to be possible in the short amount of time we had. They also came addressed to me. No one knew which were our rooms or our flight times to have been able to organise something like this. At this present time I can only put it down to one thing. Daddy showing me that he is my provider. That I don’t have to rely on my parents to provide and look after me because He will. It can only be God. There is no other explanation. Anyway I feel truly blessed by it and it’s a great encouragement in this time of putting my trust fully in Him who is our great provider. On the mountain of the Lord, it will be provided!!!
So this is my challenge. God keeps showing me time and time again the true cost of discipleship and what this means. It is hard. And painful. And surrendering means to lose control. And not always no what the outcome will be. And it means trusting. And it means not holding onto the things that this world deem important. But out of these places of opening our hands and saying God I give you control of this comes joy. And a sweetness that I have just found to be completely beyond human understanding. I cant get my head around it. So Jesus take this love for money. I surrender a life of luxury and relying on my parents and I say I open my hand up to your plans, your purposes and great adventures following you!!
Hallelujah and Amen!!!!
Thursday, 20 October 2011
One of my dearest friends writes wonderful poetry and this is one of hers...
As a girl all she needed was loving care,
All that she wanted was not there,
What she got instead were trivial things,
A car, some money, even a diamond ring.
She grew up surrounded, yet lonely still,
Bullied and broken, her confidence killed.
She ran away in the night, where to stay?
Safety and comfort in the church 'til day,
She grew as a woman always looking to love,
Even in hardship turning to Father above.
Others were blessed, even through her pain,
She learned how to smile and dance in the rain.
But inside her still the darkness gnawed,
Try as she might she felt helpless, flawed.
She struggled and toiled, needing to rest,
Always trying hard, always giving her best.
God broke into her life, told her her worth,
"You'll laugh at days to come and be filled with mirth.
Child your life it isn't a mess,
My darling, my daughter who I long to bless,
I love you my beauty beyond any measure,
Your heart is my prize, I treat it as treasure.
I know how you've suffered, been broken, worn down,
But precious, I'm building you a glorious crown.
I'll pursue you my dear, all the days of your life,
I have your plans, I'll keep you from strife.
Trust in Me love, hear what I say,
You have a fresh start, it is a new day.
Your future has hope, joy and meaning,
I'll shelter you well, you'll come out gleaming.
You'll lead lost ones to me, carry my cross,
Your life is a victory, despite all your loss.
I'm here with you now, as I always will be,
Now keep your eyes on Me, great things you will see."
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
An email I sent out last week about feeling overwhelmed and stressed in life.
o Hey lovely people,
Hope your all well and enjoying the start to the weekend. I know that for some of us it’s a well-deserved rest from the craziness that is life at the moment.
I’ve spoken to lots of people this week (some in uni and some not!) and the general feeling is stress, tiredness, headaches, placements, reading, writing, placements, planning…the list goes on and on.
I’ve found this week hard. I just got to this morning and couldn’t function from exhaustion. I’ve really found some things difficult to adjust to in third year in my academic and personal life.
So this got me thinking, and I thought I’d send around a little bit of encouragement. Those of you who were at Gatehouse last week will know that I shared about the promises of God and the importance of holding on to the promises of God especially when we are feeling overwhelmed by life whatever the circumstance may be.
I thought I’d share some of them with all you guys as well (ive sent this to some youth workers. If you think it’s appropriate maybe send to people you know who are doing exams or at uni or who need to be hearing this at the present time!)
Hope your all well and enjoying the start to the weekend. I know that for some of us it’s a well-deserved rest from the craziness that is life at the moment.
I’ve spoken to lots of people this week (some in uni and some not!) and the general feeling is stress, tiredness, headaches, placements, reading, writing, placements, planning…the list goes on and on.
I’ve found this week hard. I just got to this morning and couldn’t function from exhaustion. I’ve really found some things difficult to adjust to in third year in my academic and personal life.
So this got me thinking, and I thought I’d send around a little bit of encouragement. Those of you who were at Gatehouse last week will know that I shared about the promises of God and the importance of holding on to the promises of God especially when we are feeling overwhelmed by life whatever the circumstance may be.
I thought I’d share some of them with all you guys as well (ive sent this to some youth workers. If you think it’s appropriate maybe send to people you know who are doing exams or at uni or who need to be hearing this at the present time!)
o Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.(Psalm 31:24)• “And my God will meet ALL your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)• We will not be tempted more than we can bear. “And God is faithfull; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)• To forgive all our sins – past, present and future. “If we confess our sins, He is faithfull and just and will forgive us our sins and purify is from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)• God redeems and can bring good out of every and any situation. He has totally got our backs in every way!!
• He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. “…For God has said, I will never fail you, I will never abandon you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
• “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.” (Psalm 46: 1)
• “He GIVES power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40: 29-31)• He promises to guide us and to give direction (James 1:5, Psalm 119:105)• He promises to give us a peace beyond ALL understanding (Philippians 4:6–7)• The same power that rose Jesus from the grave is at work in our lives today.(Romans 8:9-17)• Nothing can EVER separate us from His love (Romans 8:38)• We are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37)• We have eternal life through Jesus (John 3:16)• God IS WITH ME (The Bible!!!!)
So these are some of the promises that God gives us in His word!! I have also been reading and loving this verse from John. Its chapter 16 and it’s where Jesus talks about the Holy Spirit coming. In verse 33 (my fave now blates!) it says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. BUT TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world.” I flippin love this.
Guys my prayer for everyone reading this email is that in our life, in our circumstances, in the roughness of the world, in the lets be honest crapness that falls on us sometimes, that we can stand in the promises of God. That in the crazy hard times we are not swayed because we know where and what we stand upon. That we can have absolute PEACE in Jesus! I love that He doesn’t muck around with His words. He speaks plainly about hard times “BUT take heart!” I have overcome everything!
• He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. “…For God has said, I will never fail you, I will never abandon you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
• “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.” (Psalm 46: 1)
• “He GIVES power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40: 29-31)• He promises to guide us and to give direction (James 1:5, Psalm 119:105)• He promises to give us a peace beyond ALL understanding (Philippians 4:6–7)• The same power that rose Jesus from the grave is at work in our lives today.(Romans 8:9-17)• Nothing can EVER separate us from His love (Romans 8:38)• We are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37)• We have eternal life through Jesus (John 3:16)• God IS WITH ME (The Bible!!!!)
So these are some of the promises that God gives us in His word!! I have also been reading and loving this verse from John. Its chapter 16 and it’s where Jesus talks about the Holy Spirit coming. In verse 33 (my fave now blates!) it says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. BUT TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world.” I flippin love this.
Guys my prayer for everyone reading this email is that in our life, in our circumstances, in the roughness of the world, in the lets be honest crapness that falls on us sometimes, that we can stand in the promises of God. That in the crazy hard times we are not swayed because we know where and what we stand upon. That we can have absolute PEACE in Jesus! I love that He doesn’t muck around with His words. He speaks plainly about hard times “BUT take heart!” I have overcome everything!
Anyways that’s enough from me. I hope that this is a bit of anencouragement to you. Please do not hesitate to forward this on to anyone else who you feel needs a bit of encouragement in their lives at the moment!!
I also wanna say that if anyone is struggling with anything please don’t go it alone! Find someone who you trust and have a good ol pray and chat through with them. It really does help! Or give us a call. Always around, got plenty of tea, coffee, hot choc etc!!
Have a great restful weekend!
And remember that “My God has made me triumphant!” (quote from a guy praying in church Sunday!! It just stuck in my mind an I love it).
Love Charlie
I also wanna say that if anyone is struggling with anything please don’t go it alone! Find someone who you trust and have a good ol pray and chat through with them. It really does help! Or give us a call. Always around, got plenty of tea, coffee, hot choc etc!!
Have a great restful weekend!
And remember that “My God has made me triumphant!” (quote from a guy praying in church Sunday!! It just stuck in my mind an I love it).
Love Charlie
"For she is clothed in dignity and in strength, and she laughs without fear at the days to come." (Proverbs 31:25)
This verse has, the last 3 or 4 months been on my heart day in and day out. Ive woken up thinking it and gone to bed thinking it. I have posted it again and again on twitter, facebook and countless times spoken this verse to all my friends and gone on and on about it.People are probably sick of hearing it now!! But its such a theme in my life at the moment. Hence the title of my whole Blog.
In this time I have been on a consistent journey of seeking joy in Jesus. Of finding fullfillment in Jesus, of ALL of my identity being so wrapped up in Him that I cant help but laugh at the days to come because I am not scared of anything with Jesus by my side.
I have never been fully happy. yes, iv laughed, yes iv had times where Ive found things funny but deep deep down on the inside of me I have always been trying to fill this massive gap in my life and tried to answer the questions I have had in life with things that are just not Gods best for me. Questions like: where is my home? where or who do I feel safe with? who loves me? what am I worth? Who is the real me? Am I beautiful?
These questions are important to ask of myself but I have tried to fulfill myself in life by immersing myself within friendships, in searching for a relationship, in seeking affirmation from guys, in immersing myself too much within a relationship. In getting really caught up with an orphan spirit (im not wanted).
THIS is all why I was never fully happy. We cant be if this is the joy we seek. In earthly things and ways and mindsets.
These are honest, hard and sometimes raw questions to have and a place to be in but I can safely say to you that there is HOPE. if you find yourself in the deep, deep places within you seeking the answers to these kind of questions then there is only one place to look. one place. And that is completely, utterly and fully in Him.
Since being on this journey I have to say its been the hardest most painful time in my life. But its been the most joyous earth shatteringly place I have eever been in. I have cried so many tears and had to surrender so much to God, Iv had to walk away from situations He has asked me too walk away from, walk away from people I dearly loved, leave my "home" and move 300 miles back to where I didnt wanna be all because God has a bigger plan and trusting Him means stepping into the unknown and sometimes unwanted places. But I can honestly say that I feel more whole, more renewed, more energised, more passionate, more joyous and more free than I have ever felt before.
Isaiah 55 from verse 8 which is a chapter I love says this "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways. ... so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lords renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."
I love this because it just gives me so much confidence in knowing that God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11) That if i follow,through prayer and reading the word,the direction that God is sending me in, I know that I will not come to harm but its for a future filled with hope, peace, and Gods purpose.
There were three significant things that God gave me in the leadup to some difficult decisions I have had to make recently. The first was a picture of the threshing ground in biblical times. The threshing ground was a place where the grain and the chaff were seperated. The chaff is the inedible, indigestible bit on the outside of the grain. Usually this would be done by throwing the grain into the air with a large forked tool which would usually have been made of wood. The wind would blow the chaff to one side while the heavier grain would fall into a pile, which could then be gathered.
God asked me to open the palm of my hand. to not hold on so tightly to things, people and situations. As long as my fist was closed God couldnt work within that particular situation. Sometimes it felt safer to hold onto it and be in control of it but in the end the more I opened my fist and threw it up in the air, it was scary but God did indeed blow the chaff away and in many ways He still is.
Second I was being prayed for by a friend and she said that she got a picture of the cross, and sacrifice being at the centre of the cross but within that there being a massive feast. This brings me back to the verse in John 12:24 which says "I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But, if it dies, it produces many seeds". God was saying within this that the relationship that I was holding onto, I had to release to him, to trust him with it and to sacrifice it. If it was a right relationship to be in He would hold it safe in the palm of His hand. If it was for good He would take it away and even greater things would be yet to come.
The third picture I got was from the bible. I remembered the story of Abraham and Isaac. Of Abraham trusting God so much to the extent that he was willing to do whatever God asked of him, whatever the cost even if that was sacrificing his only son. What a challenge for us in todays world when we have seemingly so much and so many things at our fingertips, to know that without God we have nothing and that with Him we have everything. What a calling it is to leave whats behind and to look to whats ahead. To not hold tightly onto the things of this world but to constantly be opening up our hands and saying God do with it what you will, according to your plan and your purpose.
This reminds me of when Jesus called the first disciples."Then Jesus said to Simon, "Dont be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on the shore, left everything and followed him." (Luke 5: 10 - 11)
So yes this has been a small part of my journey so far. I have been so blessed in so many ways. I have wonderful friends around me who have supported me every step of the way in life.
They listened to me, cried with me, gave me Diet coke and chocolate when I needed it!! They have prayed with me, listened and told me their opinion especially the times I have felt God speaking specificully.
I have been blessed so much by my church, by the support of the leadership, by my adoptee families who live all over the place and in many ways by my actual parents who have provided monetry support whilst I have been at uni and in the years beforehand. I am blessed indeed. Since all this has been happening and since I started really listening to what I felt like God was saying I have discovered joy. Joy beggining to slowly flow inside of me. Just knowing that I am loved, that I can have such freedom in Him, of deep healing that has occured and is to come and of guidance and direction in times of need.Life still throws its rough moments up but in these moments I can say confidently that I know where I stand and who I stand upon.
I have also come to know a tiny bit of what home feels like.Being 100% in the presence of God and laying my head down on a pillow at night knowing that wherever I am is "home" for the night because its been Gods provision for me, His precious and dearly loved daughter.
I will surrender all to you my God, I will give you all I have...
In this time I have been on a consistent journey of seeking joy in Jesus. Of finding fullfillment in Jesus, of ALL of my identity being so wrapped up in Him that I cant help but laugh at the days to come because I am not scared of anything with Jesus by my side.
I have never been fully happy. yes, iv laughed, yes iv had times where Ive found things funny but deep deep down on the inside of me I have always been trying to fill this massive gap in my life and tried to answer the questions I have had in life with things that are just not Gods best for me. Questions like: where is my home? where or who do I feel safe with? who loves me? what am I worth? Who is the real me? Am I beautiful?
These questions are important to ask of myself but I have tried to fulfill myself in life by immersing myself within friendships, in searching for a relationship, in seeking affirmation from guys, in immersing myself too much within a relationship. In getting really caught up with an orphan spirit (im not wanted).
THIS is all why I was never fully happy. We cant be if this is the joy we seek. In earthly things and ways and mindsets.
These are honest, hard and sometimes raw questions to have and a place to be in but I can safely say to you that there is HOPE. if you find yourself in the deep, deep places within you seeking the answers to these kind of questions then there is only one place to look. one place. And that is completely, utterly and fully in Him.
Since being on this journey I have to say its been the hardest most painful time in my life. But its been the most joyous earth shatteringly place I have eever been in. I have cried so many tears and had to surrender so much to God, Iv had to walk away from situations He has asked me too walk away from, walk away from people I dearly loved, leave my "home" and move 300 miles back to where I didnt wanna be all because God has a bigger plan and trusting Him means stepping into the unknown and sometimes unwanted places. But I can honestly say that I feel more whole, more renewed, more energised, more passionate, more joyous and more free than I have ever felt before.
Isaiah 55 from verse 8 which is a chapter I love says this "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways. ... so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lords renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."
I love this because it just gives me so much confidence in knowing that God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11) That if i follow,through prayer and reading the word,the direction that God is sending me in, I know that I will not come to harm but its for a future filled with hope, peace, and Gods purpose.
There were three significant things that God gave me in the leadup to some difficult decisions I have had to make recently. The first was a picture of the threshing ground in biblical times. The threshing ground was a place where the grain and the chaff were seperated. The chaff is the inedible, indigestible bit on the outside of the grain. Usually this would be done by throwing the grain into the air with a large forked tool which would usually have been made of wood. The wind would blow the chaff to one side while the heavier grain would fall into a pile, which could then be gathered.
God asked me to open the palm of my hand. to not hold on so tightly to things, people and situations. As long as my fist was closed God couldnt work within that particular situation. Sometimes it felt safer to hold onto it and be in control of it but in the end the more I opened my fist and threw it up in the air, it was scary but God did indeed blow the chaff away and in many ways He still is.
Second I was being prayed for by a friend and she said that she got a picture of the cross, and sacrifice being at the centre of the cross but within that there being a massive feast. This brings me back to the verse in John 12:24 which says "I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But, if it dies, it produces many seeds". God was saying within this that the relationship that I was holding onto, I had to release to him, to trust him with it and to sacrifice it. If it was a right relationship to be in He would hold it safe in the palm of His hand. If it was for good He would take it away and even greater things would be yet to come.
The third picture I got was from the bible. I remembered the story of Abraham and Isaac. Of Abraham trusting God so much to the extent that he was willing to do whatever God asked of him, whatever the cost even if that was sacrificing his only son. What a challenge for us in todays world when we have seemingly so much and so many things at our fingertips, to know that without God we have nothing and that with Him we have everything. What a calling it is to leave whats behind and to look to whats ahead. To not hold tightly onto the things of this world but to constantly be opening up our hands and saying God do with it what you will, according to your plan and your purpose.
This reminds me of when Jesus called the first disciples."Then Jesus said to Simon, "Dont be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on the shore, left everything and followed him." (Luke 5: 10 - 11)
So yes this has been a small part of my journey so far. I have been so blessed in so many ways. I have wonderful friends around me who have supported me every step of the way in life.
They listened to me, cried with me, gave me Diet coke and chocolate when I needed it!! They have prayed with me, listened and told me their opinion especially the times I have felt God speaking specificully.
I have been blessed so much by my church, by the support of the leadership, by my adoptee families who live all over the place and in many ways by my actual parents who have provided monetry support whilst I have been at uni and in the years beforehand. I am blessed indeed. Since all this has been happening and since I started really listening to what I felt like God was saying I have discovered joy. Joy beggining to slowly flow inside of me. Just knowing that I am loved, that I can have such freedom in Him, of deep healing that has occured and is to come and of guidance and direction in times of need.Life still throws its rough moments up but in these moments I can say confidently that I know where I stand and who I stand upon.
I have also come to know a tiny bit of what home feels like.Being 100% in the presence of God and laying my head down on a pillow at night knowing that wherever I am is "home" for the night because its been Gods provision for me, His precious and dearly loved daughter.
I will surrender all to you my God, I will give you all I have...
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