This verse has, the last 3 or 4 months been on my heart day in and day out. Ive woken up thinking it and gone to bed thinking it. I have posted it again and again on twitter, facebook and countless times spoken this verse to all my friends and gone on and on about it.People are probably sick of hearing it now!! But its such a theme in my life at the moment. Hence the title of my whole Blog.
In this time I have been on a consistent journey of seeking joy in Jesus. Of finding fullfillment in Jesus, of ALL of my identity being so wrapped up in Him that I cant help but laugh at the days to come because I am not scared of anything with Jesus by my side.
I have never been fully happy. yes, iv laughed, yes iv had times where Ive found things funny but deep deep down on the inside of me I have always been trying to fill this massive gap in my life and tried to answer the questions I have had in life with things that are just not Gods best for me. Questions like: where is my home? where or who do I feel safe with? who loves me? what am I worth? Who is the real me? Am I beautiful?
These questions are important to ask of myself but I have tried to fulfill myself in life by immersing myself within friendships, in searching for a relationship, in seeking affirmation from guys, in immersing myself too much within a relationship. In getting really caught up with an orphan spirit (im not wanted).
THIS is all why I was never fully happy. We cant be if this is the joy we seek. In earthly things and ways and mindsets.
These are honest, hard and sometimes raw questions to have and a place to be in but I can safely say to you that there is HOPE. if you find yourself in the deep, deep places within you seeking the answers to these kind of questions then there is only one place to look. one place. And that is completely, utterly and fully in Him.
Since being on this journey I have to say its been the hardest most painful time in my life. But its been the most joyous earth shatteringly place I have eever been in. I have cried so many tears and had to surrender so much to God, Iv had to walk away from situations He has asked me too walk away from, walk away from people I dearly loved, leave my "home" and move 300 miles back to where I didnt wanna be all because God has a bigger plan and trusting Him means stepping into the unknown and sometimes unwanted places. But I can honestly say that I feel more whole, more renewed, more energised, more passionate, more joyous and more free than I have ever felt before.
Isaiah 55 from verse 8 which is a chapter I love says this "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways. ... so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lords renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."
I love this because it just gives me so much confidence in knowing that God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11) That if i follow,through prayer and reading the word,the direction that God is sending me in, I know that I will not come to harm but its for a future filled with hope, peace, and Gods purpose.
There were three significant things that God gave me in the leadup to some difficult decisions I have had to make recently. The first was a picture of the threshing ground in biblical times. The threshing ground was a place where the grain and the chaff were seperated. The chaff is the inedible, indigestible bit on the outside of the grain. Usually this would be done by throwing the grain into the air with a large forked tool which would usually have been made of wood. The wind would blow the chaff to one side while the heavier grain would fall into a pile, which could then be gathered.
God asked me to open the palm of my hand. to not hold on so tightly to things, people and situations. As long as my fist was closed God couldnt work within that particular situation. Sometimes it felt safer to hold onto it and be in control of it but in the end the more I opened my fist and threw it up in the air, it was scary but God did indeed blow the chaff away and in many ways He still is.
Second I was being prayed for by a friend and she said that she got a picture of the cross, and sacrifice being at the centre of the cross but within that there being a massive feast. This brings me back to the verse in John 12:24 which says "I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But, if it dies, it produces many seeds". God was saying within this that the relationship that I was holding onto, I had to release to him, to trust him with it and to sacrifice it. If it was a right relationship to be in He would hold it safe in the palm of His hand. If it was for good He would take it away and even greater things would be yet to come.
The third picture I got was from the bible. I remembered the story of Abraham and Isaac. Of Abraham trusting God so much to the extent that he was willing to do whatever God asked of him, whatever the cost even if that was sacrificing his only son. What a challenge for us in todays world when we have seemingly so much and so many things at our fingertips, to know that without God we have nothing and that with Him we have everything. What a calling it is to leave whats behind and to look to whats ahead. To not hold tightly onto the things of this world but to constantly be opening up our hands and saying God do with it what you will, according to your plan and your purpose.
This reminds me of when Jesus called the first disciples."Then Jesus said to Simon, "Dont be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on the shore, left everything and followed him." (Luke 5: 10 - 11)
So yes this has been a small part of my journey so far. I have been so blessed in so many ways. I have wonderful friends around me who have supported me every step of the way in life.
They listened to me, cried with me, gave me Diet coke and chocolate when I needed it!! They have prayed with me, listened and told me their opinion especially the times I have felt God speaking specificully.
I have been blessed so much by my church, by the support of the leadership, by my adoptee families who live all over the place and in many ways by my actual parents who have provided monetry support whilst I have been at uni and in the years beforehand. I am blessed indeed. Since all this has been happening and since I started really listening to what I felt like God was saying I have discovered joy. Joy beggining to slowly flow inside of me. Just knowing that I am loved, that I can have such freedom in Him, of deep healing that has occured and is to come and of guidance and direction in times of need.Life still throws its rough moments up but in these moments I can say confidently that I know where I stand and who I stand upon.
I have also come to know a tiny bit of what home feels like.Being 100% in the presence of God and laying my head down on a pillow at night knowing that wherever I am is "home" for the night because its been Gods provision for me, His precious and dearly loved daughter.
I will surrender all to you my God, I will give you all I have...
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